The Beginning

Today is the beginning. Sure, I may have already lived over 27 years, but Today is the beginning.

In Kabbalah they teach that a lesson contains a beginning, middle and end. The end is when you learn your lesson and you are a better person. The end is where you are sure that the Creator exists and has your best interest in mind. The middle is a bit tricky. The middle is where you actually accomplish the task by yourself. That's right. You end acknowledging God, but during you do it on your own.

Now, the beginning is rarely thought of as the beginning until the end. You didn't know it was a beginning. You did not plan on experiencing a middle and an end. You thought it was an unexpected tough time followed by a better life. You are mistaken. There was a beginning, it wasn't as bad as the middle, and it was actually when you first thought of the Creator. You said, hey there, things aren't going so good, let's not be content any more. (Proceed to you trying, achieving, and basically working hard for a better life......Achieving said better life and acknowledging the Creator's plan.)

The beauty of this process lies in the facts that you have become prepared for the next time from the lesson in the middle and have grown spiritually from the lesson of the end. The beginning is accepted with mixed results. How did you not see it coming and could you have prevented it? Well, no you can't prevent it. You shouldn't. Growth is rewarding. Leonard Sweet states, “Stagnation is death. If you don't change, you die. It's that simple. It's that scary.”

We must grow and learn and move forward. We must have a never ending supply of beginnings. Like today. Today is a beginning. My beginning. Discontent has brewed over and I am ready for the tough path of change that leads to a better ending. I cannot become stagnant. I must not be unhappy for fear of change. I am blessed with the knowledge of my beginning. My fear is my companion, propelling me toward the middle. My eyes on the ending I step forward.

Defeat

There are many faces I loathe to gaze upon in the mirror.
The shame that accompanies a lie, so easily believed.
Congratulatory well wishes for something you did not do.
Guilt for an action or thought so untrue to character.
These faces, those eyes, so unknown to me, yet still me.
I face them. I gaze upon them. I learn from them.
I look deep into the abyss I created with the shame, guilt,or lies
and I face that demon.
It is still I.
Just an eye I prefer not to look upon.
But defeat.
That is a face I cannot gaze upon.
It is an admittance of failure. A fight you did not even try to win.
A fight you quit.
You are a quitter.
A loser by default.
Causing defeat in another is someone I can face in the mirror.
Why did I stoop that low, why could I not be a fair opponent.
I learn, I grow, I resolve to not do it again.
But to be defeated?
I do not have to look into the mirror to know that face.
I choose not to.
The world around me knows that face, but I do not.
I know what it looks like.
My inner being knows. It feels it deeper.
Deeper then guilt.
Deeper then shame.
Self-loathing.
That is a face I cannot gaze upon.
My eyes reveal hatred.
Hatred for the face in the mirror.
Hatred for the inner resolve to be a quitter.
Defeated I stand in a mirror-less room.
Hoping for darkness to take away any chance of reflection.
Self-reflection is the only hope for this face.