The Beginning

Today is the beginning. Sure, I may have already lived over 27 years, but Today is the beginning.

In Kabbalah they teach that a lesson contains a beginning, middle and end. The end is when you learn your lesson and you are a better person. The end is where you are sure that the Creator exists and has your best interest in mind. The middle is a bit tricky. The middle is where you actually accomplish the task by yourself. That's right. You end acknowledging God, but during you do it on your own.

Now, the beginning is rarely thought of as the beginning until the end. You didn't know it was a beginning. You did not plan on experiencing a middle and an end. You thought it was an unexpected tough time followed by a better life. You are mistaken. There was a beginning, it wasn't as bad as the middle, and it was actually when you first thought of the Creator. You said, hey there, things aren't going so good, let's not be content any more. (Proceed to you trying, achieving, and basically working hard for a better life......Achieving said better life and acknowledging the Creator's plan.)

The beauty of this process lies in the facts that you have become prepared for the next time from the lesson in the middle and have grown spiritually from the lesson of the end. The beginning is accepted with mixed results. How did you not see it coming and could you have prevented it? Well, no you can't prevent it. You shouldn't. Growth is rewarding. Leonard Sweet states, “Stagnation is death. If you don't change, you die. It's that simple. It's that scary.”

We must grow and learn and move forward. We must have a never ending supply of beginnings. Like today. Today is a beginning. My beginning. Discontent has brewed over and I am ready for the tough path of change that leads to a better ending. I cannot become stagnant. I must not be unhappy for fear of change. I am blessed with the knowledge of my beginning. My fear is my companion, propelling me toward the middle. My eyes on the ending I step forward.

Defeat

There are many faces I loathe to gaze upon in the mirror.
The shame that accompanies a lie, so easily believed.
Congratulatory well wishes for something you did not do.
Guilt for an action or thought so untrue to character.
These faces, those eyes, so unknown to me, yet still me.
I face them. I gaze upon them. I learn from them.
I look deep into the abyss I created with the shame, guilt,or lies
and I face that demon.
It is still I.
Just an eye I prefer not to look upon.
But defeat.
That is a face I cannot gaze upon.
It is an admittance of failure. A fight you did not even try to win.
A fight you quit.
You are a quitter.
A loser by default.
Causing defeat in another is someone I can face in the mirror.
Why did I stoop that low, why could I not be a fair opponent.
I learn, I grow, I resolve to not do it again.
But to be defeated?
I do not have to look into the mirror to know that face.
I choose not to.
The world around me knows that face, but I do not.
I know what it looks like.
My inner being knows. It feels it deeper.
Deeper then guilt.
Deeper then shame.
Self-loathing.
That is a face I cannot gaze upon.
My eyes reveal hatred.
Hatred for the face in the mirror.
Hatred for the inner resolve to be a quitter.
Defeated I stand in a mirror-less room.
Hoping for darkness to take away any chance of reflection.
Self-reflection is the only hope for this face.

Well

There is peace at the bottom of the well
Only the echo of the water slapping the sides
Only the rasp of your breath as it turns from fright to calm
Some claw up the sides, finding more dismay from failure
Failure is what put you there
Time to reflect on what brought you to this place
Time to understand
Time to find yourself
Time is all you have
To become stronger, to find peace
Hope is not guaranteed, peace is not given to everyone
You must find solace in the bottom of that well

Anger Induced

You caused this
This awful demeanor
This pessimistic outlook
This jaded character
With your inconsistency
With your backstabbing
With your hate
You caused this
This bottle of emotions
This shut down
This turbulence
You caused this
With your rotten face
With your hateful glance
With your pompous self righteousness
You take ownership
Wait
You won't
You never will
"Because of you" is for the weak
Influence is for the poor
I am strong
I am wise
I am respectful and cunning
I learn
Despite you I rise
Despite you I move forward
With kindness shown to others
With openness withheld from you
Despite your self appointed pedestal
You fall
Fall from grace
A disgrace to your sex
To your race
To your very name
Shame only to you
Power despite you
I rise, rise, rise
Smile at your demise
Laugh at the knife in your back
Placed there only by your malicious deeds
How dare you try to ruin me
How dare you affect me
Shame on me for letting you
F*** you
No
Forget you
Enjoy the bottom as you fall

Healing

I am weak
I know not what I do
I have numbed the pain
Beyond my body and mind
Unleash the mind
Feel the body
Scars I did not know had happened
Stories I cannot share
Knowledge is lost
Hope is found
Who was I?
Who am I?
I am me
I am a barron land
New life, old life
Not the same
Do not apologize
For old life gone
Apolgoize for transgressions
For being lost
For pain
For hurt
Do not apologize
For being better
For leaving pain in the dust
Embrace the raw emotion
Embrace the change
Accept the change
Understand the change
Forgive the change
Do not apologize for change
One life to live
One life worth remembering
Your memories
Your scars
Know the stories
Be aware
Death will come
Tell of life
Apologize to others
Forgive yourself
One life
One death
Let both be your own